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I knew Bill was on deadline for work, so I gave him space. I stalked his social media to make sure he was still alive—and was he ever. Should this guy—or anyone, really—get a pass just because he doesn't feel like going through the awkwardness of ending things?
After yet another day of silence, I finally texted him. He'd been posting regularly on Instagram and Twitter, and as I scrolled through his feed, my head started spinning. "You can't get a peep out of him, yet you can see that he's talking to the whole world on social media."It did suck, and I wondered: What makes a seemingly good guy go from everything to nothing? Aijan says that guys who do a 180 experience what's called cognitive dissonance—a kind of mental stress that occurs when we have two conflicting beliefs about something.
He promised me things that felt too-much-too-soon but also kind of wonderful—that he'd bring me I voiced my wariness to him.
"I'm treating things casually, and I probably convince myself that the other person is too—that, hey, they're just having a good time, no strings attached—when in reality…[she] might actually be constructing all sorts of relationship-type expectations." In one relationship, he really had no explanation for why he lost "that feeling." "I felt awful and also completely unable to explain this to her…so instead I started blaming outside forces, like the fact that we didn't live in the same city, the fact that she was still in a serious relationship," he says. But why do they drop off, other than an inexplicable change of heart or fear of commitment? David, 33, says that the change in behavior is most likely to happen when the initial attraction wears off.
With one woman he dated, it happened like this: "After a handful of dates and getting to know each other better, I began realizing even though we had good chemistry, we had no shared interests or values," he says "I decided having the conversation' wasn't worth the stress."Freddie, 32, agrees with David's explanation—sometimes the initial attraction is enough to keep a relationship moving forward, even when it shouldn't.
He promised me things that felt too-much-too-soon but also kind of wonderful—that he'd bring me The New York Times and coffee every morning, that we'd go away the next weekend together, that he would get me a plane ticket to meet him in Europe while he was away on business. "I don't want to rush into anything and regret it." "Don't worry," he responded. If I didn't, I'd be mysteriously gone." I wanted to believe it all. I left his apartment excited at the prospect of what we had started.
But then a whole day had passed—the longest we had gone without any interaction since we started dating.